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June 26, 2013

I haven’t participated in PAIL’s monthly theme post in awhile, though not for lack of trying. Like all the blog posts I want to write, I just can’t find the time. But the theme for June, Looking Back, is particularly meaningful as I think back to what was happening in my life this month in years past and how those times shaped my life as it is today.

June 2010
Single. That’s what I am in June 2010. I’m taking a break from dating after a bit of a crazy time with some guy. I can barely recall his name. I do this often. Take breaks from dating I mean. It’s a great way to reset my system and take the pressure off for a bit. There’s no point doing something if you’re not in the right place to do it. I’m beginning to lose hope, tempted to give up, scared I will never find someone but I push through the loneliness and fear and keep trying.

June 2011
Crazy in love, A and I celebrate our five month anniversary together on the 11th of June. A week or so later we find out we’re pregnant! It isn’t planned but we know we want a life and a family together, so we’re thrilled. For a brief time, I feel the bliss of being pregnant, free from worry but sadly a few weeks later we find out that we’ve lost our baby. The devastation that follows nearly cripples me but again, I push past the fear. I hate that I lost that innocence, that I was robbed of the joy of my first pregnancy, but I will not allow my sadness to keep me from what I want: a family.

June 2012
I am someone’s wife and very much pregnant with our daughter. On our three month wedding anniversary, with only two months to go until my due date, my best friend B throws me a baby shower! The gifts I am blessed to receive bring us a bit of a wake up call: we are going to be parents! It’s terrifying but in an exciting way. This time I have no choice but to push past the fear. Ready or not, our baby girl is on her way!

I’m a mom. I watch our beautiful baby girl take a few hesitant steps towards me. She’s 10.5 months old and the light of our lives. The peace I feel is unlike anything I’ve ever known.

When I look back to last June and the Junes before, I’m astonished at how much has changed in my life and how much we’ve been through, both tragedy and joy (more joy than tragedy thank goodness). In the course of three years I went from being single to a committed relationship, to getting married and then finally
becoming a mother. I overcame a lot of fear and heartache to reach this place. When I look back I don’t see the events that have taken place in my life; I see how I handled them. I can move forward knowing that whatever comes our way, I have the strength to push through.

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