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It’s My Way

September 1, 2011

A friend of mine recently remarked how well I was doing considering the babypalooza happening around me. It’s true, the babies are everywhere! I seem to have friends and acquaintances popping them out monthly! And yet, I’m perfectly fine. But she seemed a bit surprised at my somewhat relaxed reaction and so it got me thinking: is being fine the wrong way to be?

I still feel sad for the baby we lost. It’s with me, always. I have moments of complete desolation where I can’t believe it happened and marvel at the injustice of it all. I have random (embarrassing) emotional outbursts that can’t be controlled (thankfully those are less frequent now that my hormones are back to normal). It was particularly rough when I reached what should have been the 12 week mark a few weeks ago. But on the whole, I feel good. I feel happy. And seeing others with their babies, even holding my friend’s 2.5 week old just hours ago? That brings me nothing but joy.

It all boils down to this: I refuse to let my sadness overwhelm my joy for others.

When we found out I was miscarrying, I had a choice to make. And I don’t mean how I wanted to deal with it physically. I mean that I had to choose whether I was going to let this tragedy engulf me emotionally or whether I was going to deal, accept and move on. It would have been so easy, so easy, to let the sadness win. But for the last few years I have lived my life according to my belief that the situation doesn’t define you, it’s how you handle the situation that makes you who you are and so I chose the latter. The sadness would not be winning this time.

There was no way I could hide from the babies around me, especially since so many of my good friends and family are involved. On the day they did the ultrasound and couldn’t find even find our baby (seriously, WHERE did it GO??), my sister and CJ came over to stay with me after A went back to work. Internally, I briefly questioned if I would be able to handle seeing CJ, but how could I possibly close myself off from my beautiful, smart and spunky niece? She brings light and joy wherever she is.

I know my friends, and my sister, would have understood if I’d needed some distance, but I didn’t want to shut myself off from them or worse, have them feel like they had to tiptoe around me. So I made sure to not only talk about my experience, but also to talk about their babies and to see and hold their babies. Funnily enough, making myself do that has been part of my healing process. It was hard, at first, but now it feels (almost) like it did before: got a baby? Hand ‘er over!!! Auntie C wants a snuggle!

I’ve been feeling a bit guilty for being more fine than I thought I should be at this point, but I’ve come to the conclusion that guilt about this is useless. The truth is that everyone handles and experiences a tragedy such as this in their own way. There is no wrong or right way, only your way and the way that helps you heal. This is without a doubt the worst thing that has ever happened to me, but I’m going to be able to look back on this moment and be proud of how I handled it in my way.

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. September 2, 2011 8:03 am

    And that is the way is should be. I am proud of you.

  2. Sarah permalink
    September 2, 2011 11:32 am

    It’s so easy for people to put judgments on how you should react, think and feel about your loss. It took me about a month to be okay and 3 months to feel very okay about it and I am still having problems accepting it. I think either is perfectly acceptable. For me, knowing that the baby (ies) were ultimately going to be sick, if born, made the hurt better. I would not want my child to suffer, for selfish reasons, like not wanting to experience the loss. I’m so happy you have made peace with things as they are. Grace in the face of sadness is a difficult trait to posses, and I think you have shown you can master it.

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