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Our Loss

July 25, 2011

I have sad news to share with you.

I don’t know exactly how to express what I need to say other than to just say it. That sounds dramatic, I know, but I honestly don’t know how to bring it up. Here goes: About a month ago we found out we were pregnant, but it was sadly confirmed on Thursday that we’ve lost the baby.

I told you it was sad.

It’s been an incredibly devastating, painful, and unfortunately, drawn out journey that started two weeks ago with very minor spotting. So minor, that after a check in with my doctor, A and I were able to happily celebrate our 6 month anniversary at the Keg thinking everything was ok.  A few days later, what was supposed to be a ‘Just-in-case-but-I’m-not-worried’ ultrasound ordered by my doctor became somewhat more serious when they found the baby (measuring 6 weeks 5 days…I should have been 7 weeks 2 days), but no heartbeat. Another ultrasound a few days later (where they couldn’t find the baby at all…um…where did it go??), followed by blood work that showed my hormone levels dropping confirmed the doctor’s diagnosis of a ‘missed’ miscarriage. Since I’d had no subsequent bleeding and no cramping, on Thursday afternoon I began the treatment required to help speed up the process. I had the option to wait it out and let nature do it’s thing, but I couldn’t have handled that emotionally. Plus, we’re going on vacation next week (Newfoundland! Yay!) and I want that time to relax and heal, not worry about what could happen.

I took last week off of work, recognizing that I would need time to deal with things, both physically and emotionally, not to mention the hours spent at appointments and tests. I am feeling so many different things, I can’t possibly begin to articulate them all. Anger, frustration, fear. That’s just the tip of the ice berg! The only positive in all of this is that I haven’t been alone. Not only have my friends and family been supportive, but the love of my life has been with me every step of the way. A has been fantastic and this is very much something we’ve been dealing with together. It makes me want to cry, I feel so lucky to have him. He has been by my side the entire time, comforting me when I needed it and trying to cheer me up (which he succeeded in doing most of the time. No one makes me laugh as much as he does). I know that it absolutely killed him to see me so sad and in pain, but I can’t imagine going through this with anyone else.

Emotionally  I’m doing ok. Not great, but ok and getting better each day. There have been some very low moments, but they seem to be growing further apart. I’m taking it day by day. Some days are worse than others. I didn’t cry yesterday and that’s a huge achievement! I think what was worse for me was the wait to find out what was happening. As devastating as it was, confirming things on Thursday actually lifted a huge weight off of my shoulders. Once I knew what was going on, I could deal.

This pregnancy was unexpected but was very much welcome. If you know me at all, you know that it’s my dream to be a mother, and I have no doubts that I want A to be the father of our children. We were both so excited to be starting that part of our lives together, even if it was sooner than we’d originally planned. It’s very hard to recognize that those plans will be delayed a bit longer now. Will we try again? A strange question, since we weren’t actually trying before (one of the consitstent comments I’ve heard from people offering comfort is “At least you know you can get pregnant!”) but one we’ve been asked. My answer? It’s something we’re talking about. We’re going to take a couple of months to regroup and heal and see where we are in the fall.

I didn’t think I’d be writing this blog post. In fact, I had another one already written, announcing our news, ready to post a few weeks from now once we hit the 12 week milestone. I had a very serious internal debate as to whether I’d write about this loss or not. It’s not easy to announce such sad, private news. But I’ve been sharing my life online for a couple of years now, and I just couldn’t brush it off and ignore it. I find it cathartic and healing to write about my experiences and emotions. Plus, it occurred to me that those reading this who have been through similar situations might find comfort in the fact that they’re not alone.

Just as I know I’m not alone. Huge thanks to the friends and family who have offered us such kind words and thoughts (and chocolate…thanks M1, the Bridge Mixture lasted less than 24h!). It means so much to have you all in my life.  It’ll take time, but I’ll get through it in typical C fashion, refusing to let the situation define me. It’s how I react and deal with it that makes me the person I am.

I hope to get back to regular blog posting soon. I’ve missed it!

9 Comments leave one →
  1. Gina permalink
    July 25, 2011 8:21 pm

    My thoughts are with you and A right now – I have never been through what you are going through directly but I have seen the pain and anguish on my friends faces and it pains me to think someone so wonderful is going through this anguish. My thoughts are with you like I said and I am sending hugs to you and A – Gina (Contiki – Italy)

  2. July 26, 2011 8:40 am

    We are also sadden by the news and we are happy to hear that you are on the way to recovery. We are also happy that A was good support and able to relieve some of the emotions that you were going through. You both will be great parents and we can be patient till the time is right to become grandparents again.

    Love you both…..XOXOXOXOXO

  3. Sarah permalink
    July 26, 2011 11:31 am

    Thank you for sharing. I am so glad the days are getting better. Last year Jason and I lost twins to a missed miscarrige and it was the worst experience of my life thus far. I remember sitting on my bed asking “Why?”. The simple answer was, there were no answers. These things happen and are common, BUT that in no way makes it easier. I hate the cliches around miscarriage… Just because it’s common doesn’t make it okay or easy. I am so sorry you had to deal with this and hope your next pregnancy is problem free. I am happy A has been a great support, and I am sad for you both. I have cried for you and hope my thoughts and prayers have helped. Love and Peace

    • July 26, 2011 11:42 am

      Thanks Sarah, for your thoughts. Every bit of positivity helps! I’m so sorry you had to go through it too. It make your boys all that more special!

  4. July 26, 2011 12:58 pm

    I’m so sorry to read this. I’ll be praying for you and A. I’ll be praying for your future pregnancies, your emotions, your struggles. I’m so sorry – Nobody should ever have to go through this.

  5. July 26, 2011 3:37 pm

    Such a brave post C. When you’re with the right person, you can make it through the most difficult times. So sorry this happenned to you, we love you lots!!

  6. mel permalink
    July 26, 2011 9:36 pm

    Love you! You are so strong!

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