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Ease

January 26, 2011

A and I were chatting last night and he mentioned how he’s been reading my blog. I love that he’s taking an interest in something that’s important to me, but he did say that he hoped that his reading it wouldn’t influence what I write about (or something to that affect). I assured him that it wouldn’t, but I’m not sure if I explained myself very well. Sometimes I write what I need to say better than how I say it.

I’m sure you’ve all noticed a trend with me that when things are going well with someone, and we’re communicating well and I know where I stand, that I’m calm and stress-free.  It’s when the guy starts pulling away or not communicating that I become confused and frustrated, and that’s when I let it all out on here.

A and I communicate on a level I’ve never had with anyone before. And I think that because of how well we communicate, I won’t have much need to do my venting on here. Weirdly enough, we seem to think the same way and are able to express ourselves as a result. Because of that, I am so comfortable with him and with where we might be heading. I feel no anxiety, just excitement. I’ve had no lie awake for hours moments wondering what the deal is, only fabulous, restful sleeps. I’m not wondering if he’ll be in touch again, because I know he will be. We plan when we’ll see each other next before we say goodbye. Even with S, I didn’t feel this at ease with things.

The only thing I’m feeling uneasy about at the moment is the idea of rock climbing. Yikes! Last night, A and I went and checked out an indoor climbing facility nearby. I’ve thought about doing it in the past, both as a way to meet men and to conquer my fear of heights. The former is no longer necessary, but I think the latter is.

My fear of heights is getting worse as the years go by. Just thinking about it makes me feel light headed and weak in the knees. I’m not afraid of much and I hate that this practically cripples me. We stood there, watching the climbers reach the top and I felt ill and didn’t like that. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to do it, but I’m thinking I’d like to try, and if I’m going to try it, then A is the guy to do it with! Next weekend maybe? I need a little time to pep myself up for it!

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