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What to doo-doo?

November 25, 2010

I keep reading that being single is the perfect time to get to know yourself and evaluate your wants and needs. And maybe this is a valid exercise for someone who has jumped from relationship to relationship their whole life, with no time for themselves in between.

But what about those of us who have accumulated more time as a single-ton than as part of a couple? What do we do, those of us who have had plenty of time to ‘find ourselves’ and find ourselves, once again, alone?

Options, according to the experts:

  • Work on my confidence level? Done. I have spent years and years overcoming my crippling insecurities to become the person I am today. I may still trip up now and then, but overall I’m a strong, confident person.
  • Should I improve my personal health? Done. There were times in the past where I didn’t eat vegetables, where Kraft Dinner and Mr. Noodles were part of my daily caloric intake. Now words like ‘broccoli’ and ‘yum’ go hand in hand. I eat mostly whole foods, keeping the processed stuff for rare occasions only. I work out on a (semi) regular basis and am finally happy with my body.
  • How about I figure out what I want in a relationship? Oh wait. I’ve already done that! I know exactly what I want. I know what I can handle and can’t handle (dealbreakers if you will) and am fully aware of my needs.
  • I suppose I could just learn to be happy with myself….. but guess what!? I am! I’m perfectly happy with myself. I would just rather be happy WITH someone.

I think this is the source of my restlessness over the past few days. I’m not an insecure 23 year old any more. I’m almost 33, and sure I have room for improvement (there always is), but overall I’m solid with who I am. I have a great group of friends, an amazing family and am active socially (as much as I want to be. I’m a homebody at heart).

I’ve been trying so hard for the past week to reflect on who I am and what I want and be happy with this time on my own, but it’s not working out so well. I’m full of crap. All of my posts the past week about just enjoying my time are a load of doo-doo.

Here’s the truth: I hate being single. I’m tired of it. I’ve done it and am over it. My single days are more of a burden to me than a joy. They’re a reminder of what I don’t have and it’s very, very hard to put those thoughts out of my head. I may be happy with my life as it is, but I know, I KNOW, that despite the stress and anxiety of dating, despite the hard work relationships need, despite the ups and downs, I know that I would be happier with the right someone. Why is it so hard for me to find him?

Le sigh. Perhaps this is all  just my hormones. Maybe next week things will start feeling better. On the plus side, I don’t think they can get worse…

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