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November 8, 2010

It’s funny how I can go for days and days in a certain situation and be completely fine and positive about it, then all of a sudden, BAM! I’m hit with the anxieties of how to deal.

Such a thing happened to me last night. I was absolutely panicking over how to handle things with N. It’s like we’re re-living the past few months all over again! He once again has issues he’s dealing with (this time in the form of his nephew), we are once again on hold, and once again I’m questioning what to do and where I stand.

For a few hours last night I forgot about my resolve to not let the ‘shoulds’ rule my life. I wanted to call him but the following thoughts went through my head:

“What if he thinks I’m calling too much?”

“What if I don’t call and he wonders why I haven’t?”

“I don’t want to overwhelm him with what may come across as excessive neediness”

I was lying in bed, agonizing over all of this when I stopped and recognized what I was doing. I have no reason to doubt his interest. He’s dealing with his family and I completely understand. I’d do the same. The last time I had these anxieties, I listened to them and it turns out it was the wrong move. I was too worried about overwhelming him when all he needed was to know I was there.

I put my fears aside, picked up the phone and called. He was at his brother’s and couldn’t talk, but I felt so much better after wards. If my calling him to let him know I’m here and that I support him is too much, then that’s his issue, not mine. I’m going to listen to my gut this time, not my head. And my gut says that there’s a reason we’re giving each other another chance. There’s something there.

And I’m not going to let that something go.

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