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August 25, 2010

I had an ‘ahhhhhh’ moment today. Let’s call it an epiphany of sorts and my whole view on dating may change because of it.

For a very long time, I’ve lived my life according to the Golden Rule and it’s served me well.

“Do unto others as you would have them do unto you”.

I treat people how I want to be treated. If someone is rude to me, I’m the epitome of kindness in return. I’m tolerant and accepting of other peoples decisions and choices and try not to judge, because that’s what I want for myself from others. I communicate well because I want others to communicate with me. I’m open about what I feel, because I want others to feel they can be open with me. Any number of things can be applied to the Golden Rule.

It’s been a good and comforting way of life for me, one I know has a positive impact on others.


I’m beginning to realize that when dealing with men, the Golden Rule may cause more harm than good. Men don’t necessarily want to be treated as I would like to be treated. Their wants and needs are a whole other kettle of fish (where did that expression come from?), and even though, yes, I have a right to my wants and needs, following the Golden Rule to get what I want and need may not be the best way to go about it. I think I’m going to have to adjust how I interact with men. I know I’ve known this and have been talking about it for the past year, and I have come a long way I think (going on five days now without texting/calling N, giving him space, yay me!). But the reality is it has never dawned on me that by trying to have my needs met by ‘doing unto them as I would have done unto me’, I’m potentially pushing them away (insert Hallelujah chorus here).

I may communicate a lot because that’s what  I want in return, but they’re not necessarily going to respond in the same way or want to communicate as much as I would like to and may interpret my need to talk or the WAY I talk, as being too needy. I want to let them know I’m there for them and how I’m feeling because that’s what I would want and need, but they don’t have the same need and therefore may consider my attempts at being open as being too pushy.

Cheese and toast.

But how do I have my needs met without sacrificing my belief system? What do I do when I have a problem? I Google. And I read. I think I’m going to have to re-visit some of my relationship books. Already, Men are From Mars, Women Are From Venus has been busted open again with the whole N situation, and it’s provided some valuable insights and helped me keep my calm. I’ve just ordered a couple of books online that may help as well. One is called How To Love Like A Hot Chick (click here for the author’s website). The other is The Happiness Project (website). I’m hoping that both will help bring me to a good place in my life again and put things in perspective.

I’m not writing N off. My feelings are too strong for him to just give up. But while I give him his space (and hope that he gets in touch again), I think it’s important for me to keep myself busy and reconnect with my own needs and wants and how to go about having them met in a healthy manner that men can relate to. I’m not going to change, give in or sacrifice myself; just adapt. There’s a huge difference. And it’s important to check in with yourself now and then, because things change over time and what I wanted five years ago definitely differs now.

I definitely have my work cut out for me!

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