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Useless thoughts

July 31, 2010

I’m having completely irrational and unnecessary anxiety about N. I haven’t heard from him since Thursday (which, by the way wasn’t a wordy communication, but it had positive meaning to me, so that’s a good thing).

His silence over the past couple of days has caused me some crazy thoughts, even though I KNOW for a fact he’s still into me (he’s told me so, plus the text from Thursday), he’s just dealing with his health right now. He told me he had to focus on getting better and that it might take time.

But part of me reverts back to my old state of when a guy doesn’t communicate, he’s pulling back because he’s not interested. And so I push. Now, I’m not pushing N. Not really, at least, I don’t think I am. I told him how much I understand his need to focus on himself right now. And I do. But I still have this need to be in constant communication. I haven’t heard from him in two days. I called him last night. No call back. I texted him today (once). No response. My theory is that he’s undergoing treatment (for what, I still don’t know, which to be honest is also part of the problem. If I knew what was happening, I would be better able to sit back and wait) but I’m going to have to stop or else I’ll push him away and that’s the last thing I want. But I also don’t want HIM to think I’M pulling back because I think it’s too much to wait for him. Tomorrow I won’t communicate with him at all. Unless he does it first 🙂

Le sigh.

It’s really hard to find the balance. I would love to talk to him about it, but again, I don’t want to push, nor do I want to pile my worries onto him right now. He has enough going on and I’d rather not have him think I”m too much to deal with.

Le double sigh.

This is unlike any situation I’ve ever been in before and I’m not sure how to handle it. I do know though, that I WANT to handle it. I want to wait for him so we can have our chance. He’s definitely worth the wait, as painful as it is for me. I just have to remember that however anxious and scared and worried I”m feeling about this, he’s feeling it 100x worse.

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