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I’ll be there

July 28, 2010

I spoke to N. I called him tonight and left a message and he called me back, thank God.

But….

He didn’t want to talk about his test results. I’m assuming it’s not good, though in what way not good, I have no clue. He’s just so overwhelmed with people asking him, I assured him it was ok, that we don’t have to talk about it. It’s driving me nuts, but I’m not going to pressure him. He’ll talk about it when he’s ready. It’s insanely hard for me though, because I do much better when I have all the facts. I don’t deal well with uncertainty (Gasp. Shock.). He doesn’t know that about me yet. But this isn’t about me, it’s about him. Any selfishness I’m feeling, any sorry feelings I have for myself (and I am feeling them, that’s normal) has to remain with me and me alone (along with all of you and my closest friends and family, haha!).

I reassured him I am here for him and that I want to help if I can. He knows that and reassured ME that he does want to see me, but is going through so much. I totally understand, I just feel so helpless. I hate that he’s going through this. My biggest fear is not that something will happen to him. Medical advances are so amazing these days, I’m confident he’ll be fine, though the process of getting there may be difficult. No, my biggest fear is that he’ll push me away, thinking I shouldn’t have to deal with this. But something else he doesn’t know about me is that I’m an incredibly strong person. I do not bail. As horrible as this is (whatever it is, though I have my suspicions), I will be there. All I can do is to keep reminding him of that, that I’ll be there when he needs me.

I have no idea if he’s the one for me. We’ve only known each other three weeks, which is part of my problem, knowing my role in all of this after such a little time. But the one thing this past week has shown me is that I care strongly about him and want the chance to find out.  I don’t want to lose him.

We will have that chance. It just appears that it’s going to be quite the challenge.

Bring. It. On.

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