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June 21, 2010

Yesterday marked the one year anniversary of S and I breaking up.

How do I feel about that? Well I totally forgot, so obviously it hasn’t been plaguing me. But that relationship had a residual effect: the the insecurity I feel with men. I was insecure with men before, but having S completely misrepresent himself to me, basically lying to me (and himself) our entire relationship, had a deeper impact. I now question everything, including the sincerity of the guy in question.

This has been the root reason why the men I’ve seen since haven’t worked out. As soon as he starts feeling anxiety and pulls away, I panic, not secure in the fact that this is normal behavior. I start becoming pushy and come on too strong and this inevitably backfires.

Oh I know it’s not all my fault. If he (not referring to anyone in particular, just men in general) just recognized how his actions impacted me, maybe we could break the cycle and figure things out together. But men aren’t big on self reflection.

I’m proud of how I jumped back on the horse after him though. It would have been so easy for me to just give up, to avoid risking the pain and hurt of rejection again. But I made a promise to myself a few years ago not to let my fears get in the way of my happiness. I gave myself the time I needed to heal and started dating again. And again. And again. I’ve had a lot of dates over the past year, some with the same guy more than once. I’ve met some duds, I’ve met some great guys. I’ve met guys I felt had potential. And though they haven’t worked out (jury’s still out on M), I have to believe that someday soon, I’ll get it right. I believe that all your previous dating experiences teach you lessons that you carry forward to the next one.

I did learn one lesson from my relationship with S: if there is something fundamental you disagree on (ie. Pre-nups, money, marriage), you are not going to be able to live with it and you cannot delude yourself into thinking he’ll change. He won’t.

So here’s to me, one year later, a whole lot more wiser in the ways of love and showing no sign of slowing down my journey to find it!

Cheers! (Oh how I wish I had an alcoholic beverage to sip right now).

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