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Sigh of a different sort

June 17, 2010

I bring these things on myself. I worry and question and analyze and it finally gets to the point that I have a breakdown. Tonight’s crying jag was brought on by nothing in particular, or if you need a reason, by my own thoughts. Same thing. There’s me, on the elliptical, bawling my eyes out over a crisis of my own making. He’s done nothing to bring it on, which, thinking about it now, may be part of the cause. We’ve been texting but there’s been no mention of seeing each other (as in, he hasn’t asked). It’s all been random stuff, without any meaning.  And I guess that’s what he needs right now, since we’re both still in the uncertainty stage of things, but it’s not a bowl of kisses for me people.

I’m not a patient woman. I also like having control, so this whole trying to be breezy and let M take control is not easy for me. I should have seen it coming. I hate not knowing and I’m still unsure as to where we stand, despite how well things went last Friday. I think that a part of me expected everything to go back to the way it was, but it hasn’t and that confuses me and frustrates me.

Because despite telling M that I’m uncertain and I don’t know where things will go with us, I am certain and I know where I want things to go. I just need him to catch up dammit!

I wish I’d had more dating experiences when I was younger. I wish I’d developed a way to deal with this confusion and frustration earlier. But as much as I’d like to, I can’t go back in time. I just have to try and deal with it now, as best I can, and if that means having a cry session to let it all out so that I’m not pursuing him and pushing him away, then so be it!

If patience is a virtue, than I’m the most virtuous woman in the world!

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