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The wallows

June 6, 2010

I’m tired. So tired.

Dating is exhausting, especially when it seems that I’m doomed to repeat my mistakes. I have no idea what to do. I tried so hard this time around to pay attention to the ‘rules’, to follow the suggestions of the various dating books, while trying to be true to myself. And what happens? I DON’T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED!!!!

I do the wrong things, it bites me in the ass. I do the right things, it bites me in the ass. I cannot win.

I’m still not ready to talk about what happened. I’ve spent today wallowing. I wallowed at home. I wallowed at my parents. I wallowed while I played with my niece (who did manage to marginally cheer me up, as babies will do). I’m back at home now to do some more wallowing. I let myself wallow, rather than try and pull myself out of it too soon and risk having a breakdown later on. If I don’t let myself feel the bad feelings, they’ll build up until I can’t hold them in anymore. And that’s just a bad scene waiting to happen.

So I wallow, and think and fantasize.

I have this fantasy that the doorbell will ring and it will be him, holding a bouquet of flowers ready to talk and apologize for how wrong he was, that he wants to be with me and see where things go.

I have another one where he’ll text me tomorrow morning just as he always does and want to see me tomorrow night, where he’ll apologize for how wrong he was and tell me he wants to be with me and see where things go (do you see a theme?).

I know I just set myself up for a fall with these fantasy thoughts, but that’s how I work. I concoct and plan scenarios in my head for how I hope things will go. And I hope that we’ll somehow work through this….confusion is what  I want to call it. We’re both scared and confused.

So I wait and I hope and I wallow.

Cheers.

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One Comment leave one →
  1. June 7, 2010 8:57 am

    Long distance hug…..NOW!

    If you need him “straightened out” I’ll be happy to do it.

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