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So, why are you single?

May 2, 2010

I’ve heard this question too many times to count. It can come in different forms (ie. Why aren’t you married? How come you don’t have a boyfriend) and it can come from any manner of person, whether I’ve first met them or known them for a long time. I’ve even had dates ask me this question.

It’s quite possibly the stupidest question I’ve ever heard in my life and I’ve yet to find an appropriate answer.

I’m sure the person asking means it in the best possible light, as in how could a person so attractive and kind and sweet and nice as you not have someone in her life? But I think there’s an underlying accusation that there must be something wrong with me, since I’m alone, or that I must be sad with the state of things. “What’s wrong with you that you don’t have anyone in your life? You poor thing, you must be so lonely” That’s how I interpret it.

Here’s what I would love to respond with: “Good God people, you must have been single at some point in your life! Does your partnered state offer you some higher level of consciousness? Are you a higher being than me? Does my single state put me in a different class? Do you pity me because I’m alone, because I haven’t asked you to! If you’re so concerned, why haven’t you made an effort to find me a mate? Do you think that to be happy I need to be with someone? Because if that’s the case, perhaps you should re-evaluate your own situation!”

And breathe.

Here’s my actual response: “I just haven’t met the right guy”. And that’s the God’s honest truth. There is no reason other than that.

The reason I’m single isn’t because there’s something wrong with me. At least, not anymore. I admit that I spent a good number of years afraid to date because I was afraid of rejection. But my fear of being alone trumped my fear of being dumped, so I got over that. So there’s nothing wrong with me. And there’s certainly nothing wrong with the men I’m dating. They’re just not the One. I just haven’t met a guy (since S, and even he was sketchy towards the end) who wants to explore a serious relationship with me and me with him. That’s kind of a key element.

I’ve actually been asked before if it’s my choice that I’m single. Hell no! If it were up to me, I would have been married ages ago, assuming the guy involved was the One. But I haven’t found the One yet. Why people don’t grasp the concept that you don’t necessarily find the One in your twenties is beyond me. Should I be with someone just for the sake of being with someone? I don’t think so. Yes, I get lonely, but I’m not that insecure with myself that I would sacrifice everything I believe in just to have a boyfriend. I could have settled, so many times. But I want more than ‘settling’. I want more than ‘just’ finding someone.

I haven’t chosen to be single, but I have certainly chosen how I deal with being single. I do succumb to the single blues now and again, as you’ve witnessed in some of my posts, but those posts are few and far between. On the whole, I embrace my singleness. Yes, I would trade any benefits there are to being alone to spend the rest of my life with someone. But that doesn’t mean I have to be disappointed with my life as it is. I have so much to be thankful for and be happy about, and though in an ideal world I would be married with kids by now, I can’t focus on what HASN’T happened to me, but rather focus on what WILL happen to me. I have every confidence that my single state is just temporary. I’ve made a choice to make that change and chosen to deal positively with my ‘situation’.

So, why am I single? Because I believe I deserve the best possible guy I can find and am not willing to settle for less. That’s why I’m single.

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